The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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