I think I died a long time ago.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
