You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
