I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
