she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
