omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
