that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
