Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
worst night to have a conscience
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
