dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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