Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
