Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I think my vagina is haunted
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
