I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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