Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
