upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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