i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
