The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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