dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
