I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Boobs are out for the taking
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Randomize
