my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
