just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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