Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
i think my tv is drunk
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
