I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
the liver wants what the liver wants
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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