Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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