The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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