while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
