Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
