theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
