I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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