awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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