He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
