Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
