i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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