These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
