he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
third nipple confirmed
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
