listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize