It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
