never play flip cup with pint glasses
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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