There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
