Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I believe in your delicious
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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