if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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