totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
