She said her name was "party"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize