oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I think im going to throw up on grandma
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Randomize
