I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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