he wants to bone in the snuggie
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Randomize
