I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
