remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
