I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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