I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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