My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Why did my mother make you get naked?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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