Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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