The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
