I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I didn't notice because vodka
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
