The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
