I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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