i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
