I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
