it wasn't lemon gatorade
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
