not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
