im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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