I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
