My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
