but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I need moral support for this bender
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
