If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
