I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
