If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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