i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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