I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
