the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
